Eastern promises is a Big bucket of steaming pish from David Kronenburg. I thought Naomi Watts would have known better – but then she doesn’t come off looking too bad working her way around a terrible script as a midwife who pockets the diary of a young Russian girl that dies giving birth. However, Vincent Cassel ( Vinz from La Haine) and Viggo Mortensen (Beardy guy from lord of the rings) are both cast as a couple of Russian Mafia clowns. They’re not supposed to be clowns but their characters are so clichéd and forced that’s it’s utter cringe. Why couldn’t they have just got some decent but unknown Russian actors?
The relationship between themselves and the old mafia boss is exactly like Pops from the League of Gentlemen (clip below). It was only some of the gorier scenes where Kronenburg shows that he still knows his craft – there was lots of peeking through fingers and listening for the sound of the splurting blood to stop – but he made a balls of the rest. An utter waste of a Friday night where both kids were miraculously fast asleep before dark. Avoid.