Eastern Promise. (DVD)

Eastern promises is a Big bucket of steaming pish from David Kronenburg. I thought Naomi Watts would have known better – but then she doesn’t come off looking too bad working her way around a terrible script as a midwife who pockets the diary of a young Russian girl that dies giving birth. However, Vincent Cassel ( Vinz from La Haine) and Viggo Mortensen (Beardy guy from lord of the rings) are both cast as a couple of Russian Mafia clowns. They’re not supposed to be clowns but their characters are so clichéd and forced that’s it’s utter cringe. Why couldn’t they have just got some decent but unknown Russian actors?

The relationship between themselves and the old mafia boss is exactly like Pops from the League of Gentlemen (clip below). It was only some of the gorier scenes where Kronenburg shows that he still knows his craft – there was lots of peeking through fingers and listening for the sound of the splurting blood to stop – but he made a balls of the rest. An utter waste of a Friday night where both kids were miraculously fast asleep before dark. Avoid.

  • Reply Twenty Major

    August 8, 2008, 9:49 am

    Hurrah, someone else who thought it was utter crap. I can’t believe the amount of people who go on about how great it was. It was fucking rubbish.

    The story was just ludicrous. I mean, for a start, how did the pregnant girl get out of the place which had no doors or windows? Did she slither under the door?

    Hated this film a lot. Not quite as much as A History of Violence but still a lot.

  • Reply John Braine

    August 8, 2008, 11:00 am

    Sane people rate this? Really? I suppose someone must have told me it was good (I will hunt them down) as it somehow ended up on my moviestar list.

    Yeah as well as the terrible caricatures there were holes all over the place.

  • Reply Xbox4NappyRash

    August 8, 2008, 5:54 pm

    This does not sound good…

  • Reply B

    August 9, 2008, 3:41 pm

    I thought it was okay, like 3 stars… did it get great reviews?

  • Reply John Braine

    August 9, 2008, 4:05 pm

    Yeah I’d give it 3 stars too.

    Out of 20!

    Not sure about reviews. Can’t remember where I heard about it. Just checked rotten tomatoes though and it gets a whopping 88%. Christ!

  • Reply Anonymous

    August 23, 2008, 10:19 am

    This was actually a really good film. But I know how you feel, it’s highly annoying when the rest of the world seems to rate something highly while to you it seems obviously terrible.

    I feel this way about Adam Sandler. Sure, people says his movies aren’t great, the thing is though there are no words to describe how bad they truly are. Suffice to say, if you like ANYTHING he has EVER done, then without you being aware of it, the world AND god classify you as a moron. Now that is a painful truth.

  • Reply John Braine

    August 24, 2008, 2:38 am

    Anon, the only thing I was annoyed about was that I wasted a Friday night on something I thought was rubbish. Don’t care all that much what anyone esle thinks of it.

    I used to hate Adam Sandler until I saw Punch Drunk Love which I loved and have kind of seen him in a new light since. Even though I’m not a fan of his sillier stuff. Actually I thought Spanglish was surprisingly good for a Romcom and Reign Over Me wasn’t bad either.

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