Creepy voice: I see DEAD links

It’s official. I spend too much time with my brain directly connected to the Internet. See I’ve garnered this uncanny ability – hold on, stop everything, “garnered!?” where the hell did you pick that up? is it even a word!? bet you read it on the Internet somewhere – anyway, I’ve gained this sixth sense; I know which links people are sending me before I’ve even seen the link.

I got an email today and the subject line read “Cool video” and I knew straight away that it was going to be that tilt shift video that’s been doing the rounds recently. I even said it to the missus. “Oi Missus”, said I pointing to the unread mail on my phone. “I bet you anything the link in that mail is to that Bathtub IV video”. She did that grunt which to the uninitiated would sound like total disinterest, but is a sound I’ve come to recognise as utter fascination.

And I was right of course! T’was the the correct link indeed. And that has happened all too often recently. I can now read patterns in the Matrix. I can almost close my eyes and see a link floating around some blogs, flittering around twitter, then gently floating down to the seabed of The Web before getting a second wind and doing the rounds on email forwards and Yahoo groups. And I only have to see crazy video!,Amazing photo, or hilarious article in the subject line and I know exactly what link is in the mail.

So, that’s it. I’m clearly ovedosing. I’m going cold turkey, starting now. I’m disconnecting everything. No more internet on my phone or computer. If you want to get in touch, send me a letter. I’m getting off the internet for at least 12 minutes.

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